Tuesday, 9 October 2012

Picking up pieces

Well hello, dawn! I haven't seen you in a while. Well, not since yesterday at dawn, which actually feels like a very long time ago. Sleepless nights will do that.

Unlike yesterday, however, Jack has deigned to go back to bed for a little while. So I'm taking some time, for the first time in a long time, to have a tea and visit the old blogging machine. 

I suppose general busy-ness is largely to blame for my extended absence. I've been back to work three to five days a week, my Mom was in town... and there was also a little something a BBC presenter said to me last week. 

We were working on a pilot for HARDtalk. And instead of just letting me pretend to be JK Rowling like I suggested, she decided it would be more interesting to talk about my baby. She was asking how it was raising him so far from home. Did it break my heart? Not wanting to break down in tears on a BBC interview show (I can see how people do, now!) I kept it light, said how lucky we were that we'd been able to fly back and forth so often. I kept in the feeling that always "visiting" seems to be wearing on all of us a little bit, already. Then she asked me when baby number two was coming along -- and before I answered, said, oh, I guess when that happens you won't be able to fly home anymore! You simply won't be able to afford it. 

Point one, the comment was seriously rude. But I really don't care about that.

Point two is that the comment seriously hit home. In service of enjoying our son's first few months in this world as much as we can -- and in service of me not driving myself crazy/committing to further change when we're already dealing with enough change -- we decided to stay where we are for one more year. Enjoy this time and make a solid, considered plan between now and next October about where we're going to live, where and how we're going to work and when another little person might make sense. 

The presenter's comment hit home because much as I'm playing this as sanely as I can (I'm even drinking my tea in a Keep Calm and Carry On mug, for goodness sake!) all the uncertainty is driving me crazy. I want to be the house I raise my kids in -- or at least know where it's going to be and how I'm going to afford it. I want to feel fulfilled in my career or be further along the way to that. I want to feel that I can just go ahead and get comfortable after countless years pulling the ground up from under my feet as I go along. 

Ahem. So you can imagine how nice it was yesterday when, for the first time in a long time, I spent the whole day with my kid. Just us. London even pitched in with a sunny, Autumn day. We played, we walked, we cleaned  and grocery shopped (well, I cleaned and grocery shopped -- but he ate food and crawled around on the newly-clean floors), he showed off his new climbing skills, I showed off my new chasing skills and we just hung out "talking" to each other in his room. 

By the end of the day (having started well before dawn) I was completely shattered. But also so much more whole than I'd felt in a long time. If Jack has helped change my life this much for the good in nine short months, I'm sure I can handle changing it for the better again in 11.